Humor

There’s an old joke, older than the internet, that can be reduced to: “Microsoft never develops anything new, the company just copies Apple.”

Told that way the joke isn’t really close to funny but put some decent patter in, and some timing and you’ve got a winner. Let’s give it a really lame shot. You’ll come up with a better version.

Engineer to Ballmer: Under this sheet, I’ve got the future of the company.
Ballmer: Is it innovative? Is it useful? Show me show me!
The engineer whips away the sheet revealing an iPhone
Ballmer: Is that an iPhone?
Engineer: No! It’s exactly like an iPhone but we call it a MiPhone. Mi stands for Microsoft!
Ballmer: Why is it better than the iPhone?
Engineer: Because, when people buy one of these we get the profits.
Ballmer: Brilliant!

That is a crazy joke, I mean it doesn’t even make sense! Microsoft would never make a Microsoft branded phone! First off the move would go against the company’s core belief that Microsoft makes software and partners with other company’s to churn… more...

If you have an iPhone chances are you have case. The reason for the case? There are a lot of reasons to have a case but one of the best ones is to protect the iPhone in case you drop it. The iPhone is expensive and buying a replacement iPhone is really expensive so a case makes sense for the fumbled fingered among us. Once you’ve got the iPhone in a case it is natural to start wondering just how far you could drop the thing without damage. I have an incase case and it I’m betting my iPhone owuld withstand a three foot drop with only minor damage. I say this with certainty because I dropped my iPhone about three feat and it sustained minor damage. But there was a part of me, a small prt easily overwhelmed by the part of me that likes to have money, that wondered just how far I could go. Ten feet? Fifty feet? 51 frickin’ stories? Well, that is just crazy talk.

Or is it? That is exactly what supposedly happened to a member of the MacRumors forum. According to siz he (or she) decided to test an otterbox case… more...

People like to complain about the iPhone. Who can blame them? I find it frustrating when Safari quits while I’m reading a page or loading the comments on fivethirtyeight.com. Others hate it when the iPhone locks up and they can’t place a call. Since I have no friends this doesn’t bother me. Finally others say the whole thing is messed up and the iPhone is more Mac OS 9 than OS X.

Those are fine complaints but don’t yield to the temptation and try to blame the iPhone for everything. Specifically, don’t claim you took a raunchy picture of yourself and the iPhone attached the message to a phantom email and crammed in your sent box. Sadly, that is just what happened, click for the pic.

Either password protect your iPhone or delete those embarrassing messages you’ve sent!

You’ve probably seen the bacon iPhone case on Gizmodo but that post is just full of love for the bacon case. Being full of love for bacon makes a lot of sense. Who doesn’t love bacon? It is simultaneously greasy, crunchy, warm and salty. You put on turkey and a really drab sandwich suddenly becomes something you’d actually over indulge in. The problem with Bacon case love?

That’s right: Dogs. That picture is of my sadly deceased bulldog. He died of old age a few years back but if he were alive today he’d be dead as soon he managed to get a hold of an iPhone in the bacon case. Why? Because like all dogs he loved bacon. The mere sight of bacon would make him go into a slobbering fit of bacon lust. And if he ever got a piece of bacon you would wonder why it wanted it so badly because the salty strip disappeared in time best measured by comparing it to the decay rates of the kind of short lived particle physicists encounter when playing… more...

There’s a dollar menu at McDonalds (sweet tea for a buck, sorry about the taste). And there is everyone’s favorite Dollar Tree Stores where everything is a buck or less. And those aren’t the only places obsessed with things that cost a buck how many times are checking out of the store and hit up to add a buck to your purchase the help some friendly sounding charity (Scholarships toLittle Agnes School for Eliciting Contributions)?

So everyone likes the dollar concept. Everyone also likes the list concept (it is full of Digg!). Mix these two factors together and you’d get a list of iPhones app for a dollar or less. Which would be okay but what would be funnier would be a list of useless iPhone applications for under a buck. Just think of it: you can easily waste a buck on anything without worrying about how about an iPhone app? Even if it’s useless, it’s just a buck! What would be even better is a list of the ten Best useless iPhone apps. Best and useless usually don’t go together so it makes… more...

When you are building an iPhone killer there are some considerations to take into account. How much should it look like an iPhone, do you try and copy the iPhones functionality or improve upon it and should you dress up the OS to look like?

One company has decided that only looks matter. They’ve said: “Screw functionality, screw the OS, let’s just go for looks!” Who is this company? No name is given but the phone they are peddling looks exactly like an iPhone. Press the home button and the Apple logo appears but that is it. Once you get the phone home you discover that, well, it is just an iPhone shell with a lightbulb inside (see, the OS doesn’t matter!)

Don’t worry about ending up with one unless you live in China for now. For pics and more details visit Popgive.com.

With all the polling go on surrounding the upcoming election iPhone Matters was feeling a little left out. So we hired some pollsters to get the scoop on which phones rock and which phones don’t. Sample size 2, m.o.e. +- 3%.
First the bad news:
Phones that Suck:
Motorola
Nokia (all models)
RIM (all models)
Samsung (all models)
Kyocera (all models)
LG (all models)
Panasonic (all models)
Sanyo (all models)
Siemens (all models)
Audiovox (all models)
Sony Ericsson (all models)
HTC (all models)

Phones rated neutral
iPhone Edge
Motorola Startac

Phones that don’t Suck:
iPhone 3G (8 GB)
iPhone 3G White

Phones that Rock:
iPhone 3G (16 GB, Black)

Surprising results…

I know what you’d like to see. You’d like it if IPM went through the app and carefully compiled a list of truly bizarre apps. Just for fun. Sorry, I don’t have the requisite attention span and Jovann is too busy. But wait, there is good news, someone else has done just that. Head over to Businessweek to see a compendium of 20 wacky apps composed by Olga Kharif.

After reading through the picks, they are hard to disagree with. Except Tiny Hula, how can you call Tiny Hula wacky. Who doesn’t love Tiny Hula?

You’re a hardcore iPhone person, eh? You feel naked when you leave the thing at home. You shed a little tear when the battery runs dry. You take your iPhone out and pretend to use it even when you don’t need to just so people know you own an iPhone. You people make me…

Never mind that. What you need is more iPhone in your life. Just the phone isn’t enough, you need to mix in some more stuff to let the world know that, were it possible, you’d marry your iPhone all over again. Step one: Get some iPhone cupcakes. They look delicious and very iPhoney. You can probably make your own but, even better, just make one big iPhone cake. mmmm, glossy black icing. For showing your iPhone devotion in a calorie neutral way try iPhone coasters. And for that old school feel, try a knitted iPhone.

Taking the risk of turning iPhonematters into Digg (lists ahoy!) here’s yet another list of Best iPhone Apps. The twist this time? These are the best applications for techies. That means a terminal running on your iPhone, SSH, and other geeky bits most people not only don’t want on their iPhone they don’t even want to know these Apps exist. Most of the inclusions are pretty good but one wonders about the inclusion of Drinks. Drinks is a $3.99 application that is a catalogue of, well, drinks. Are techies a group of drunken lushes? And are they so stupid they don’t realize that they could use Google to search for drinks recipes? The mind is fully boggled.